So I read this comment to Ms. Hayley’s post and I had to ask to share it with everyone luckily Ms. Lisa did not think I was crazy for emailing her out of the blue:) Her words are SO true and wise!
Lisa resides in Connecticut, originally from California (don’t ask). She works full-time and is currently pursuing her Masters in Psychology. She lives with her boyfriend of 3 years, and part-time with his kids (girls ages 12 and 9), as well as the 7-year-old lab. Fortunately he is a good listener because many days he is the only other living, breathing member of the household here. Her boyfriend travels weekly, Monday until late, late Thursday night. She gets through the long week alone with good books, a few friends, and good wine (or whatever wine is in the house)! She struggles with feelings of isolation, being alone, lack of companionship, as well as all the struggles kids (and an Ex) from a first marriage bring. It’s never easy, but it’s always worth it. Trying to keep things in perspective is challenging, and she certainly fails from time to time. She will continue to seek balance and enjoy each day, even when he isn’t home. She stumbled on this site one night and couldn’t believe her luck and is hoping to gain knowledge and wisdom from those who are feeling the same things she does day-to-day.
How do I share my feelings when I feel isolated? That IS a toughie!
What I am about to share is more of a what NOT to do (in no particular order):
1. Telling him after I’ve had a few glasses of wine/ a few cosmos/martini’s whatever. DO NOT SHARE FEELINGS WHILE UNDER THE INFLUENCE.
You will say things you thought in your darkest moments, but never would admit (without the cocktail!)
2. DON’T tell him you are feeling isolated when he is not at home. I have had many over the phone arguments about how difficult it is for me when he is not home and all it does is make him feel awful and make me feel guilty, and really he probably thinks “why do I want to come home”?
Have these conversations in person. And remember, it is VERY hard on you, but put yourself in his shoes too sometimes… he misses you, the kids, his house, his bed, his everything. It IS hard on you, it’s also hard on him.
3. Talk to him about those hard to talk about feelings at a time when he is home and you haven’t just had a fight, he isn’t zoning on sports or falling asleep on the couch. DO it when you’ve had an awesome day together and he is open to communcating and is present and you can tell him then…“I need some help in dealing with feeling.…”.
Guys love to fix things. Guys DO NOT love feeling like they are failing you. DO NOT attack, and do not blame him. You can blame him all you want in your mind, but do not do it out loud. He will not be as perceptive.
Example: I have been struggling with getting house work done. I keep the house clean during the week, he and his kids descend on the weekends and by Sunday night there is a mess. I have compalined many times about the lack of help… deaf ears! I finally waited for a time when he was home and said, “I need some help around the house because I am feeling so overwhelmed and burnt out.“
To change my perspective:
I am always going try to look at things from his perspective
I am starting Zumba classes!
I will schedule a dinner with my friend on a weekend night when he is home. I miss him terribly all week long, but I need to take care of myself too and need a night without the kids.
I hope this helps and would love to hear feedback.
Lisa– I love so much about this post! Your advice on timing is invaluable. It takes a lot of self-restraint (and doing it wrong:)) to force yourself to choose the best time FOR HIM to talk about the issues you are feeling– wise words!
As more women begin to land here at Plane Janes, I would love for each of you to share the site in some venue that makes sense to you– Facebook, email to a friend, share on Pinterest or Stumble…as our network grows SO DO WE:) Hugs to all!