Saving...I received this question from a reader and I think I am as interested to hear the responses as she is:)
It seems like the challenges outweigh the benefits of having a traveling husband. I am wondering why the Plane Janes out there make the choice to live that life. For me, I don’t think it would be worth it…but maybe I am missing something??? Maybe it is temporary for some? Is it something you see being that way forever? Thanks for the insight! You ladies are superheroes in my opinion!!
First off I am new to plane-janes, but VERY appreciative of the community—thank you SO MUCH! I found you in the middle of the night, in one of THOSE moments, and it was a godsend to know I am not alone in the dark hours—I so admire you strong mothers!
While it would not be my first choice to have a traveling husband, this lifestyle is becoming so common now, I would not change it. I am a better mother, wife and person for it. I feel so much stronger, more confident, more independent. Remember to pat yourself on the back for all you do everyday, even the simple things are big accomplishments when you are caring for your family and yourself!!
We don’t live near family and my husband is away on average 10–12 days every month, prob not much compared to some of you. But so often when we are in relationships there is an unhealthy balance of dependence on your partner; we become clingy and we lose a bit of ourselves in the process. Having my husband away means the house stays a little cleaner
[but also gets a little messier since he’s not around to help], but more importantly I get some time to myself to do the things I want. Also, a special treat which I love, is that my oldest gets to sleep with me while Daddy is away; I know I will cherish these times when she is too old to want to sleep with me. 
Still, this lifestyle is DEFINITELY not without its challenges; there are highs when things run smoothly and dark lows when the wheels fall off the bus (like when mommy had an incapacitating stomach bug while Daddy was in France). But then, no one said life was easy!
Tanya– SO WELL SAID!!! I am so glad you are here
To me its no different than if the man I loved was suddenly physically handicapped, yes…its hard, but if you love someone you deal with whatever comes your way! I came into my relationship knowing how it would be, but to me none of that mattered because in the end I just couldn’t live without him regardless of the life sitation. I feel my relationship with my husband is way stronger than most people with I know with 9–5’s because they take their spouses for granted.
Kelly, that is awesome…I think there is a certain appreciation I have for my hubs that I may not have if he was always home…I soooo value our time together.
I agree with Tanya. My husband is a Marine and as you can probably imagine, he has been gone quite a bit. It’s it’s having a traveling husband, it’s a constant for him to be gone for long periods of time. While this is the lifestyle he chose, it’s one that I knowingly went into when we got married . It’s one of those things that sometimes you can’t help who you love.
I love reading your replies. It feels refreshing to hear words of wisdom from real mothers who know and respect their husband’s job. I run into so many people who look down upon our family situation with husband being gone away for months on end. I tell them that he takes the rest of the year off and how many people can afford 3 months vacation time ? However, it seems to me that people like to focuss on the negative aspects of being away…
It definetly makes life harder. Like the other day, my daughter came back from sleepover and her friends mom asked her a million questions about us — where does your daddy work, how does your mommy get around etc. etc.
Similar experiences ?
My husband recently took a travelling job.And I can’t tell you how much I HATE it.We also had to move out of the country on top of it.I have no idea why I need to be stuck in a different country with him gone 1/2 the month.We have been married 30 yr.Our kids are grown.I read all the reasons the rest of you use to deal with it.But they don’t apply to me.This was the one thing I hated most in a job,travel.His other jobs had 2 or 3 trips a year,and I hated that.Then he takes this job,even though when we discussed it,I said I was against it.But would support him.Now I am stuck here alone too often in a place I have zero friends,I don’t speak the language and I just would rather be home.Being a grandma,and having my husband around after waiting forever for that to begin with.When we were young he didn’t travel but had to work alot.Why do this now?It has not given us more time together at all.Even though Europe has all the days off–if you are American,it doesn’t seem to apply to you.I personally think it is a horrible way to live life.If you don’t want to be together,why get married.To me,its like when you have kids,but send them to daycare.Its not real then.I sacrificed my whole life now.I thought that that part,at least in this way,could be done with by now.But instead,it got worse.I do not get what being together is for if you aren’t together.I am very tired of living life only according to any jobs allowance to do so.It is only “normal” cause we let it be.
Ahh, Michelle– it sounds like you are in a very tough spot. I am so sorry things are so hard right now. I think there are many ways to live and many people can be happy with a traveling spouse– BUT if there is not agreement in a marriage on a huge issue like that, then it seems it can only be problematic for you and for him. Is his position permanent? What motivated him to take the job if he knew you were so against it? My husband and I have agreed on a ‘limit’ to his travel– and we know he will never take a job that exceeds that limit. Perhaps a similar ‘rule’ or conversation could be helpful? Thoughts?
Agreed Laura, well said.
I, too, am sorry Michelle, for your struggles. I moved abroad after college, basically completely alone and I found it challenging but amazing. It taught me a lot about myself, to seek out similar people and really take charge of my own life. IMO focussing on the negative is a waste of your precious energy. Are there any support groups you can join (other americans abroad) or hobbies or volunteer work you can pursue while your husband is away? Photography, museums, taking in local culture, learning the language, traveling to other nearby cities? I know that it’s better to share these experiences with your spouse, but we can’t always be joined at the hip. I don’t think that being apart or putting your child in daycare is not real. I hope things get better for you.
My mother told me how difficult it was for her to follow her husband to America when she was newly married. She missed her family and cried all the time. But life goes on, she met new friends, started a new life. It’s been over 50 years and she would never go back.
In response to Laura, while our family doesn’t have an agreed travel limit, I know my husband does everything he can to avoid traveling, and minimize his time away. I accept that he’ll be away and isn’t away having fun, I know how punishing the travel is on him too (at least I get to sleep in my own bed) and I don’t make him feel guilty or bad about it. It’s his career, and makes him who he is. (Well said, Kelly!) I would rather have him traveling and happy than at home and working a job he hates. I know that we would discuss things if his travel ever got to be too much and work out a solution we both feel good about. Resentment is not good for any relationship.